DAVID MILES HOGG, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
Most of us know the backstory: Talk show host/harpy Laura Ingraham mocked Marjory Stoneman Douglas shooting survivor David Hogg. Hogg responded with a suggestion that people boycott Ingraham’s advertisers. Seven advertisers, sensing prevailing winds, immediately pulled ads from Ingraham’s show. Ingraham promptly apologized.
First the tweets, then the analysis.
SorryWatch line-by-line reading! A la Genius!
“Any student” — eh, he’s still not that special.
“in the spirit of Holy Week” — I am religious and noble and turning the other cheek like Jesus. My apology is about my holiness, not about him being deserving of an apology.
“I apologize for any hurt or upset” — note lack of specificity, open-endedness as to whether “any” hurt or upset may or may not have occurred.
“my tweet caused” — not me, my tweet. I didn’t cause anything. Blame the Twitter bird.
“brave” — I sound good when I proffer this compliment, but it costs me nothing with my base. “Brave” refers only to surviving a shooting, not to the kids’ subsequent activism.
“For the record” — I am being unfairly targeted. (“For the record” almost always precedes a variant of “see how little history you know.”)
“I believe my show was the first” — I am a hero. I have the pulse of the nation. I knew how newsy Hogg was before anyone else did. (No idea if Ingraham really was the first to feature Hogg, by the way. Anyone not frantically typing this between bouts of Passover prep is welcome to research it.)
“poised” — I certainly didn’t say he was correct in his evil and anti-American quest to not have children murdered in their classrooms, just oddly self-possessed.
“As always, he’s welcome” — I’m not inviting him, you understand, but if he shows up at the door of my studio, an intern will let him in. (In other words: Not a gracious invitation. Not really an invitation at all.)
“Productive discussion” — this discussion is not productive! He’s being meeeeeeeeen to me! He’s being unfair! Using the Twitters to hurt me! Unlike what I just did to him by mocking his lack of college acceptances! My Twittering is TOTALLY productive! (Also, “productive discussion” is a phrase parents use with recalcitrant children who are tantruming rather than being rational: “Go to your room until you can have a productive discussion about this.”)
Hogg did not accept her crappy apology.
Also? SAVAGE apology-flipping slash mockery, young man. YA BURNT, as the youth probably do not say anymore.
And now, back into the Passover trenches for SorryWatch. In the spirit of Holy Week, may everyone who celebrates any spring holiday have the blessings of reflection and renewal.