Men of Sparta! Eat More Greens!

There’s a young business in Beijing called Sweetie Salad. Or possibly Salad Sweetie. (Translation’s a bear.) Their thing seems to be delivering fresh salads to people at work. The salads are in tall plastic cups, and you can shake the salad up with dressing. I think.

Wishing to make a big noise on their one-year anniversary, Sweetie Salad decided on the obvious publicity stunt: Import a bunch of handsome young foreigners, dress them as Spartan soldiers, and have them march around Beijing’s fancier shopping districts giving away salad. What could go wrong? Any way you look at it, there’re bound to be people talking, saying “Sweetie Salad.”

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We come with peaceful vitamins and antioxidants.

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This court finds your apology despicable

Joan Orie Melvin campaigning

Joan Orie Melvin as candidate in 2009

It’s expensive to run for public office. But once elected, you can run your next campaign much more cheaply if you make aides and assistants work on it from the office of whatever position you’ve managed to get. Free labor! Free supplies! Free copying! Free internet! Free phone!

True, that’s all illegal. True, that’s not what the voters elected you to do. But it sure makes things easier.

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Posted in Bad Apologies, Forcible Apologies, Judicial Apologies, Non-apologies, Sorry If | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Lance Armstrong, still not actually sorry

Lance Armstrong’s Oprah Apology Spectacular remains the lousiest sports-related apology we’ve ever covered. In its sheer length and sprawling terribleness, it is unlikely ever to be surpassed. Yay, Lance! It’s a title you have legitimately won!

And only two and a half years later, Lance has returned to the Tour de France. A mere three years after the US Anti-Doping Agency stripped him of the seven Tour titles he’d won, what with his incessant cheating and lying about it.

"I have fingers!"

“I have fingers!”

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Is there any act too horrible for a Tshirt thief?

Joseph Sledge stole some T-shirts from a department store. Shoplifting. Is a crime.

In middle school, high school, and college, I knew kids who shoplifted. Naming no names. Little did we realize how that leads to a lifetime of suffering.

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Free to go.

For his evil deeds, Joseph Sledge was sentenced to four years in a North Carolina prison work camp. (Like any of the kids I knew when they got caught? Oddly, no. Different place, different race.)

One day, on the work crew, another inmate attacked Sledge, cracking his skull. The authorities revoked the attacker’s “honor” status. Then, after six months, they put him back on the same crew as Sledge.

Sledge was afraid the guy would kill him. Somehow he didn’t think prison officials worried about his safety. He jumped a fence, hid in the woods, and walked to Fayetteville.

Escaped convict!

This immediately made him a suspect in a horrible double murder, rape, and robbery that happened the next day in nearby-ish Elizabethtown.

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Posted in Apologies and the Law, Belated Apologies, Performative Utterance, True Crime Apologies | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Ariana Grande, donut-licker

On Tuesday, TMZ published a snippet of security video taken over the weekend of tiny Kabbalist Ariana Grande secretively licking donuts on the counter of Wolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA. While the store’s sole working employee is off fetching donut replenishments, the wee cat-ear-wearing celebrity and her boyfriend dare each other to lick donuts. Then they make out. When the employee returns with a delicious fresh tray of deep-fried goodness, Grande exclaims “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

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All we are is all we are

Hey, it’s Courtney Love’s birthday. In her honor, please enjoy this MTV Unplugged performance by Nirvana of “All Apologies.”

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I do not know what this song is about but these apologies do not seem sincere. Kurt Cobain supposedly said it was a positive, happy song and he used to sing it as a lullaby to baby Frances Bean, but I’m having a hard time feeling the happy. A song that starts “What else should I be/All apologies” and ends with “All we are is all we are” seems to be both fatalistic and passive-aggressive. (The lyrics sound fatalistic and passive-aggressive to me; I am not adjectivally sneering at Kurt, so please do not yell at me.) Feel free to tell us what YOU think the song means!

 

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I think I would KNOW if I was dead

Photographer unknown. Public domain.

Reports of Mark Twain’s death were exaggerated. At one time.

TIAA-CREF, a big financial services/retirement fund, recently sent out letters about an advisory vote. I got a letter because my late father left me part of his fund. I get mail from TIAA-CREF all the time, but this letter was special, because it was addressed not to me but to my estate.

“Estate of Susan McCarthy.” As if I were DEAD.

I wasn’t dead. I checked.

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Honest Toddler’s open letter to the child he hit at the park

crime scene photo

crime scene photo

A snippet of the dramatic tale:

The crowd parted. 

“Say you’re sorry right now,”she hissed into my ear.  

Absolutely not. 

You howled like a wolf at the moon and clung to your mother like the baboon-faced marsupial that you are. Large tears fell liberally and within moments your face was a snot swamp. 

“Say. You’re. Sorry.” She held on to arm with a firm grip.

Looking down I muttered: “Applesaucy.”

We were both whisked away. All that remained at the crime scene was a small indentation in the sand where your head had fallen after my blow and a solitary toddler sock that had been left behind in the rush. 

More here.

Spoiler alert: Honest Toddler IS NOT SORRY.

Posted in Forcible Apologies, Funny-on-Purpose Apologies, Literary Apologies | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Thieves sorry they can’t spell

Artist unknown. Public domain.

Had wild animals eaten the bunnies?

At Valle Verde Children’s Center, a day care center at Valle Verde Elementary School, the staff came in on a Monday morning and found their three rabbits were missing. The rabbits had been in a secure hutch, and the hutch was behind a chain-link fence. Yet they were gone. Stolen. Along with their water bottles.

The Children’s Center went public with the tragedy. They called in the police, and soon K9 Officer Patrick Duggan was on the case.

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Posted in True Crime Apologies, Youth apologizes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

He can’t even

From security camera, US Marshal's Service. Public domain.

From security camera.

We weren’t eager to cover Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s apology. The crime – the Boston Marathon bombing – was so terrible. We’re both against capital punishment. The whole business makes us queasy.

But it seemed important to look at it. How can one apologize for deliberately causing so many deaths and injuries? How can one not?

We know that in the aftermath of quite horrible injustices, people will say, “They didn’t even apologize.” In other words, while an apology won’t make things go back the way they were, it is still wanted.

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Posted in Bad Apologies, Religious Apologies, True Crime Apologies | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments