Monthly Archives: July 2015

Men of Sparta! Eat More Greens!

There’s a young business in Beijing called Sweetie Salad. Or possibly Salad Sweetie. (Translation’s a bear.) Their thing seems to be delivering fresh salads to people at work. The salads are in tall plastic cups, and you can shake the … Continue reading

Posted in Bad Apologies, Corporate Apologies | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

This court finds your apology despicable

It’s expensive to run for public office. But once elected, you can run your next campaign much more cheaply if you make aides and assistants work on it from the office of whatever position you’ve managed to get. Free labor! … Continue reading

Posted in Bad Apologies, Forcible Apologies, Judicial Apologies, Non-apologies, Sorry If | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Lance Armstrong, still not actually sorry

Lance Armstrong’s Oprah Apology Spectacular remains the lousiest sports-related apology we’ve ever covered. In its sheer length and sprawling terribleness, it is unlikely ever to be surpassed. Yay, Lance! It’s a title you have legitimately won! And only two and … Continue reading

Posted in Apologies and the Law, Bad Apologies, Celebrity Apologies, Sports Apologies | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Is there any act too horrible for a Tshirt thief?

Joseph Sledge stole some T-shirts from a department store. Shoplifting. Is a crime. In middle school, high school, and college, I knew kids who shoplifted. Naming no names. Little did we realize how that leads to a lifetime of suffering. … Continue reading

Posted in Apologies and the Law, Belated Apologies, Performative Utterance, True Crime Apologies | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Ariana Grande, donut-licker

On Tuesday, TMZ published a snippet of security video taken over the weekend of tiny Kabbalist Ariana Grande secretively licking donuts on the counter of Wolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA. While the store’s sole working employee is off fetching donut … Continue reading

Posted in Apologies Not Accepted, Bad Apologies, Celebrity Apologies, Twitpologies | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

All we are is all we are

Hey, it’s Courtney Love’s birthday. In her honor, please enjoy this MTV Unplugged performance by Nirvana of “All Apologies.” s I do not know what this song is about but these apologies do not seem sincere. Kurt Cobain supposedly said it was a … Continue reading

Posted in Cryptic Apologies, Musical Apologies | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

I think I would KNOW if I was dead

TIAA-CREF, a big financial services/retirement fund, recently sent out letters about an advisory vote. I got a letter because my late father left me part of his fund. I get mail from TIAA-CREF all the time, but this letter was … Continue reading

Posted in Bad Apologies, Corporate Apologies, Good apologies | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Honest Toddler’s open letter to the child he hit at the park

A snippet of the dramatic tale: The crowd parted.  “Say you’re sorry right now,”she hissed into my ear.   Absolutely not.  You howled like a wolf at the moon and clung to your mother like the baboon-faced marsupial that you are. … Continue reading

Posted in Forcible Apologies, Funny-on-Purpose Apologies, Literary Apologies | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Thieves sorry they can’t spell

At Valle Verde Children’s Center, a day care center at Valle Verde Elementary School, the staff came in on a Monday morning and found their three rabbits were missing. The rabbits had been in a secure hutch, and the hutch … Continue reading

Posted in True Crime Apologies, Youth apologizes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments